Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
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Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.