[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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Stop sending me this shit.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
translated into Canadian
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having