Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
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I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.