Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

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[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*



4: *opens door

Hi, is your mom home?

4: she’s in the tower

mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”


My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”


Me: promise you won’t show anyone?

Him: promise

*sends pics

H: that’s pics of fruit snacks

M: you said you wanted pics of my goods


Define “toned.”

-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps


The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.


As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..


I don’t care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I’m using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom’s a who


1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood

2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures

3. Get all the cats


Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?