@difficultpatty
@AnkCoupleTO
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
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@AnkCoupleTO
@ItsJusKimberly
[doorbell]
4: *opens door
Hi, is your mom home?
4: she’s in the tower
mom: whispers from behind door “no no no it’s SHOWER not tower!”
@BeeeejEsq
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
@1KelliBelle
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
@rn_murse
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
@aveuaskew
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
@gibbet
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
@ClassicMegan
I don’t care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I’m using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom’s a who
@lazerdoov
1. Take pictures of every cat in your neighborhood
2. Make missing cat posters with the pictures
3. Get all the cats
@rebrafsim
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?