Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”