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If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Please just send me a sign. Anything.
*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.