@BeefedUpStud

Offering a service where you pay $15 and I protect you for the night. I will be your personal gargoyle. I will perch myself above your bed in your room, and watch over you as you sleep.

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@HiddleDeeDee

If your pharmacist was as hot as mine, you’d be in line for your fifteenth flu shot as well.

@krissywillbretz

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

@Steelers1972

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

@MarriageMartini

If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.

@ddsmidt

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

@MunkMania

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

@david8hughes

Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?

@jergarl

[praying]

Please just send me a sign. Anything.

*Ace Of Base starts playing on radio
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LOL nice

@sofarrsogud

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.