Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
You Might Also Like
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”