*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
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Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.