*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
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Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
scrabbled eggs
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.