:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
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I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.