OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
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MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.