@vineyille

Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits

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@psybermonkey

Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene

Me: how??

[Earlier]

Me: better floss before drowning this guy

@PaperWash

Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?

Me: is that on Netflix?

@jnapsalot

You never realize how a dirty a song is until you hear a 3 year old sing it.

@Los01001111

Does Chewbacca use body wash or just shampoo and conditioner?

@Vodkantots

Looking for someone to shovel my snow while dressed as a stormtrooper.

No weirdos.

@birbigs

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

@LittleMissAngr1

Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.

@shkeeber

My job blocked the Favstar website and I’m not sure if I should quit or take hostages.

Haha! Jk. I’m totally taking hostages.

@JillianKarger

FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt

PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something

FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill