Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

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Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.


This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.


NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”


Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.


[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else


When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.


Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her


When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?


I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules