@pixelatedboat
@BeardedRambles
Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.
And I kinda moaned when it slid in.
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@BeardedRambles
@SteveKoehler22
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
@BMcCarthy32
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
@ForbesScience
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
@MarfSalvador
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
@STEELERS1972
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
@DeannaMarieRVA
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex. he is a small arms dealer.
@rudy_mustang
Cop: what the hell are you doing
Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir
Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her
@varoon_singh
When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
@DirtMcTurd
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules