@pixelatedboat

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body

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@BeardedRambles

Relationship status: Fumbled with a key for 5 mins trying to get it to fit into the lock the right way.

And I kinda moaned when it slid in.

@SteveKoehler22

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

@BMcCarthy32

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

@ForbesScience

Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.

@MarfSalvador

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

@STEELERS1972

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

@rudy_mustang

Cop: what the hell are you doing

Me: just holding this old lady’s hand while i cross the street sir

Cop: wh- where’s the rest of her

@varoon_singh

When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?

@DirtMcTurd

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules