him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear
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Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?