[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
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Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Me too door. Me too.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
saw this in a dream
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this