[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
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My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
A leaf blower, but for people.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.