[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
You Might Also Like
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god