When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
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A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
If you encounter someone who is massively overreacting to something, calm them down by laughing at them.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.
So technically, I was on the news tonight.