@joejwest

[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

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@GayAtHomeDad

When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.

@daemonic3

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

@Shut_up_Marissa

CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

@causticbob

If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?

@Smooheed

If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

@GinAndJif

If you encounter someone who is massively overreacting to something, calm them down by laughing at them.

@TheHyyyype

ME: people only use 10% of their brains

FRIEND: that’s an urban legend

ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm

@AbbyHasIssues

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

@CruisinSoozan

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.