BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]

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Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?


Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.


My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better


Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.


How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV


My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.


I just want someone to look at me like I look at bubble wrap



student: can i go to the bathroom

teacher: *slams revolver on desk* i don’t know, can you


Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food