[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
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Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
The best shot in the history of golf
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
lol
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.