[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
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Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
🙂🐾
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.