[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
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Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf