[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Me: I made a cake!
Me: It’s chocolate.
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
the three branches of government
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.