@UncleDuke1969

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

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@BoomBoomBetty

[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?

[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.

@steeve_again

[planning a heist]

Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job

Me, hates going outside: nice

@bulls_horns

25% of twitter users are on medication for mental illness, which means 75% are running around untreated.

@Parkerlawyer

Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”

Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”

Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”

@ShellHasDragons

Me: *Don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be we..
Him: Hi
Me: OMG YES of COURSE pygmies are little people!!!

@NrouteHQ

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

@HughGoesThere

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

@Underchilde

The scariest thing about the Cold War was the threat of getting stuck inside a bunker with your spouse.