*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
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Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Social distancing in Australia:
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
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Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.