Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
You Might Also Like
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.