My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
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Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok