@MandiAtRandom

Officer: Did u know your back light is out

Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage

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@alexlumaga

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

@IamJackBoot

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

@firebrand3

I was informed last week that “cheat day” does not mean what I thought it did.

In related news: Baby, sit down. I have to tell you somethin

@sixfootcandy

“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.

@AngelaEhh

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.

@sofarrsogud

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

@brakco

I thought I just had a bad headache but according to WebMD I’m a conjoined twin slowly dying from jaundice.

@ArfMeasures

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

@AaronFullerton

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”