Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
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My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Got him!
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?