Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
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Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.