Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
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I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
oppen heimer style lol
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*