Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
You Might Also Like
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
OMG 🤣🤣
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat