“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
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SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Please do it!
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD