I DIDN’T SAFELY EJECT MY FLASH DRIVE AND NOW MY DOG IS DEAD
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos
Officer: Get in my car it’s faster
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Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse