@Canadian_Cutie_

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster

You Might Also Like

@markleggett

Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.

@GeorgiaSweet20

*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched

@Jebo_te_patak

You say tomato, I say that’s a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you’re all “tomato.” You can leave.

@Donna_McCoy

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

@Sickayduh

“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”

“TAMPI EVERYWHERE”

@MarfSalvador

Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many

@ClichedOut

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

@roxiqt

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

@SteveSuckington

“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms