Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster

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Google+ is not a “ghost town”, because a town filled with ghosts would actually be fun.


*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched


You say tomato, I say that’s a weird thing to say for no reason. We were just sitting here quietly, and you’re all “tomato.” You can leave.


I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.


“911, what’s your emerg-”

“The women at work have synced their uteri and it’s Hell”

“Sir uteri is not plural for ute-”



Me: I need a doctor’s appointment

Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?

Me: No I don’t need that many


COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*



I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.


“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”

-guy who invented condoms