@Canadian_Cutie_

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster

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@zachheltzel

I DIDN’T SAFELY EJECT MY FLASH DRIVE AND NOW MY DOG IS DEAD

@HashtagAbdul

Police on bikes arresting someone:

“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”

@samalmightysam

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

@don_haworth

I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich

@sweetg35

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

@nice_mustard

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

@dafloydsta

Wife: I want a divorce.

Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.

@anerdonfire2

Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.

@VisionBored1

I love when people complain about other people’s kids like other people’s grown ups aren’t way worse