Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
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ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
this is 10/10 content no notes
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD