officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

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The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false


hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know


If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”


Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”


Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.


I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.


Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell


[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP


My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.


Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.