@brittarnett

officer: give me your name

me: then what am I going to use?

You Might Also Like

@elonmusk

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

@coolbutgood

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

@GregHenchman

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

@silence__kit

Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”

@brianbowman73

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

@leslid79

I wear my heart on my sleeve because if I wore it on my chest, it’d just get mustard stains on it.

@daemonic3

Mommy, what are these?

“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”

Oh, then you shouldn’t yell

“Why?”

[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP

@AmishPornStar1

My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…

‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.

@amanda_poops

Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.