officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
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What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
😂😂😂
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”