Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
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Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
He’s dead
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.