Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
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HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Always
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early