Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
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On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…