Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
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one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.