Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
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*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway