Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them