A car gets better traction in the snow if you throw a couple of coworkers in the trunk.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
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I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
this is the funniest wrong number text i’ve ever gotten
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
I’ve got 66 problems and being upside-down is one.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
“Sorry, I have to take this call.”
“That’s a banana. And it’s half eaten.”
*covers banana with hand
“I don’t tell you how to do business.”