Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this