What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
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#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
“and how does that make you feel?”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red