Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
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Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.