*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar
employee: yes there is
pixar ceo: no there isn’t
employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*
pixar ceo: Oh my god.
pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.