@lillydancyger

Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”

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@BigJDubz

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

@jctwritesstuff

Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.

@Dustinkcouch

pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar

employee: yes there is

pixar ceo: no there isn’t

employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*

pixar ceo: Oh my god.

employee: yea-

pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp

@shariv67

Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.

@jonnysun

look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat

@cwhudson

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

@lisaandtots

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

@DranoRaul

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

@yenniwhite

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.