Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Oh, a BEAR hug. *starts putting clothes back on*
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Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
“May the forceps be with you” – OBGYN-Kenobi
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days