Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
You Might Also Like
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
*checks Timeline*…
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie