My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
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*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
c’mon!
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Said the murderer.
God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?