“Oh, beautiful. Just perfect. I wonder if I’ll be able to control myself… aaaand they’re gone.”

– Me with Thin Mints, and women.

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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration


Cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: I didn’t know there was going to be a test at the end.


How old people make use of canes:

10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.


If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”


I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.


My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.

Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.


So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend’s friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.


Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok


I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.


When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.