“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
You Might Also Like
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE