Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
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Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
You deplete me
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?