OH. COME. ON.
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I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that