cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
You Might Also Like
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls