oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

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If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.


*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.


Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.


I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.


I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.


“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”


Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.


[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.


You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away