@JhonRules

oh cool burger king sells hot dogs now. maybe next week i’ll get lasik at staples

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@JediGigi

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

@ACartoonCat1

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

@Crutnacker

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

@Robinbuble

I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

@praisecheese

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

@mom_tho

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

@TheToddWilliams

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away