Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
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No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?