Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”