Oh deer
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?